Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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