I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it's like iHOP with fire
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
