a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Sorry about my life...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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