She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
