but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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