Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My vagina just clenched in fear
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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