my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
