Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
