So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Randomize
