Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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