I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
