yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
