Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
