smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
