she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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