i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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