dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
