Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
