Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
