I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
