I'm so fucking centered right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
