He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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