i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
