Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
