i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
