Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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