I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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