you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
