if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
no, he came in my armpit
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
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