Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
