But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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