I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
