Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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