my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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