I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
