I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
