Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
