My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I can't put those talents on a resume
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
