1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
