You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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