he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
