i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
