i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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