Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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