Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
