Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
