I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
