Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
