I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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