That's intense
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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