guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
