Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
